Fight with my [29M] gf [28F] over last name, reconsidering relationship

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/reldisposable918

Fight with my [29M] gf [28F] over last name, reconsidering relationship

TRIGGER WARNING: misogyny, sexism, abuse

Original Post  Aug 27, 2019

Me: 29M Wendy: 28F

Been dating for three years, living together for one.

We've been serious and exclusive for two years, and last week we started discussing marriage. Couching it in terms of speaking hypothetically, things like that. For the most part, things seem great. We both want kids, we have compatible career goals, we want to do the same things in life, we have compatible religious views, etc.

But last night, I asked my gf if she's comfortable being 'Mrs. [my last name]' and she laughed and said I don't need to worry about that because she's never taking my name. I asked her if she was serious, and she said that changing her last name at all would jeopardize her career and even if it wouldn't she wouldn't take my particular last name even in hyphenated form. Then she added that she wouldn't let any kids of ours take my last name, either.

Now, I have what most people would consider to be a very silly last name. Even offensive in certain company, as it prominently includes a very common nickname for a sex organ. I got bullied relentlessly for my last name growing up, and even now people tend to do double-takes when they hear it - when I first met my gf, she said she had thought my last name was me joking around. But it's my name, I'm my family's only child, and these days to me it's a funny joke to laugh about with the guys at work. And my long-time girlfriend told me that she wouldn't let any child of hers have my last name because they'd get teased and bullied over it.

To me, it's just the latest in a long string of incidents since moving in together that makes me think Wendy doesn't respect me. I make a lot more money than she does, so when I see a cute dress or piece of jewelry, I like to buy it and surprise her with it. She liked it when we were just dating, but now she keeps telling me that it's not her style or she isn't comfortable with me spending so much money on her. She never wears it, either, her social media is filled with her in her work clothes or in jeans and tank tops.

Wendy also used to be super flirty before we moved in together, sending me dirty emails and nude or almost-nude photos on a regular basis and inviting me to do the same. She doesn't do that anymore, and the last time she put on fancy lingerie that wasn't me specifically asking for it was on my birthday a few months ago.

I think Wendy doesn't get how important this is to me - I want her to be my wife, not just the woman I live with, and we've been kind of distant with each other since the argument. We only had sex once since then, and even that felt like she was just going through the motions because she knew I was horny.

Is there a way I can get her to compromise with me on this? I really want my wife and kids to have my last name, not just be the woman I happen to be married to who happened to pop out kids who are related to me.

Or should I sever now while I'm still young if she's not going to budge?

tldr: Talking marriage with gf, gf refuses to take my last name and generally isn't taking me seriously, not sure where to take the relationship from here

TOP COMMENTS

sleepfight

Just because you make more money than her and buy her stuff doesn't mean that she has to take your last name. It's not really about respect, IMO-- a name is a very important thing to a lot of people.

It's her right not to want to take it when you get married, and if it's really that important to you, maybe she's not the right girl for you?

I want her to be my wife, not just the woman I live with

Wearing baubles that you buy for her and taking your last name isn't the difference between a woman and a wife.

~

grandelone

There are a lot of chauvinistic/misogynistic undertones to your post.

You want her to take your last name.

You want her to wear lingerie for you.

You want to take care of her.

"I want her to be my wife, not just the woman I live with"

I don't think her view of what a "wife" is lines up with yours. And well it shouldn't since it's not 1950 anymore ...

How do I [29M] end my relationship with my gf [28F] gracefully? - rareddit  Sept 13, 2019

Me: 29M Wendy: 28F

Been dating for three years, living together for one.

A few weeks ago, I made a thread about a fight I was having with my gf. At the time, I didn't listen to the people calling me an asshole. Instead, I listened to the guys at work who said the cause of my fights and coldness with Wendy was that Wendy was probably cheating on me.

Wendy's used my computer a couple of times to check her email, and saved her login info. I'd never been tempted to use it to look at her email, but last week I decided that the guys were probably right, and snooped on Wendy's email to see if she was cheating on me.

This was a shitty thing of me to do, I know that.

I found several long email conversations between Wendy and her friends and family. She complained about me, and said she was thinking about cheating, but wanted to stay with me until the time came to renew the lease on our apartment at which point she'd leave. She was afraid I'd do "something bad" if she just broke up with me.

To be honest, I almost shut down the computer then and there to sever with her on the spot. But then I kept reading. Wendy was telling her friends and family that she was legitimately afraid of me, that I was super controlling and she wasn't sure if I was being abusive by constantly buying her expensive things then acting like she owed me something in return. She said it was charming but a little overwhelming even when we were just dating, but that I changed and drastically escalated when she moved in with me.

Wendy, being scared of me? Calling me controlling and maybe abusive?

Something about that thought stuck with me when I went in to work the next day, and listened to how the guys talk about their wives and girlfriends. And I realized something. They don't talk about women like they're people. Every time I've been to a dinner or other event with work, the women everyone brings are either the most inane, shallow Real Housewives I've ever met, or look like they want to kill everyone at the table followed by themselves.

Then I realized that that was how my dad treated my mom, too. Constantly bought her super expensive things, and she'd make dinner or put on super nice things for sex (yeah I found my mom's lingerie drawer when I was a teenager). My dad said he was just buying things to be nice, but it was more like a transaction. And the guys at work do the same thing. And I was doing the same thing.

I felt sick to my stomach when I realized all of that. I guess it's guilt, or just not wanting to be like my dad. And realizing that the guys at work are assholes. I didn't want Wendy to be scared of me, but I guess I never really thought about how she saw what I was doing.

And it's made me realize that I've been a fuckup and an asshole to women in general, not just Wendy. I don't want one of those vacuous bimbo trophy wives some of the guys at work have, and I don't want to turn someone into that. Even Wendy asked me what's wrong when I started feeling sick every time I've seen her this week.

I'm not going to salvage this relationship, I know that. I guess my question is, should I tell her what I've realized and why? Should I tell her I've realized what an asshole I've been but not tell her why? Or should I just let her leave when the lease comes up for expiration and leave it at that?

I hate myself. I really do. But I have to do what's right for Wendy, and maybe look into some kind of counseling if there is such a thing for stuff like this. And I need different, better friends at work.

tldr: Realized I've been a controlling, borderline abusive asshole to my gf and want to let things end, but not sure how to go about it.

TOP COMMENT

BigAlChet

Tell her. I would absolutely want to hear this if I were her. I'd be careful how you go about it though. Little things to think about. Listen to her. Don't interrupt her when she talks. Sit down when having the conversation, make sure she has plenty of space (also, I'd not block the door). I really think having this conversation with her would mean a lot to her, and could be a good experience for you as well.

I commend you for realizing that you haven't been the best version of yourself. Self deception is a real danger for all of us, but we can always make ourselves better. You got this.

~

grumbo87

Congratulations on figuring these things out about yourself. Do everything you can to make this moment of clarity the new normal for you. You should tell Wendy while making it very clear that you aren't initiating a "I've realized my mistakes, let's stay together" sort of a situation. Keep the break clean by taking ownership of your actions, openly communicating your intention with this conversation, and getting out of each other's hair as soon as you can. Don't let there be any room for relapses. It takes a lot of consistent, hard work to dismantle learned behaviors. You've got this!

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